147 Days

The days go by and one just seems to run into the other; I miss him so much.

The last few days have been okay, my anxiety is really bad again; so that means tears and getting annoyed very easily.  When the phone rings at work it annoys me so much and those are the times that I just want to be at home where I don’t have to deal with anything.

I got to have breakfast with Derek’s best friend and his bf yesterday; it was nice.  Bryan probably knows Derek better than anyone on this planet, including me, and I can talk to him about Derek and he understands.  I wish I could spend more time with him but he lives in Jersey so I don’t get to see him much at all.

I quit going to therapy last month; I think that when you go to therapy you should feel better when you leave there, I feel worse when I leave so I stopped going.

I spent part of Memorial Day weekend with Christian; we have so much fun together!  He’s such a good boy and he reminds me so much of Derek, he’s fearless and adventurous just like Derek was.  We talk about Derek and he says “my Daddy is in Heaven”, I always tell him yes he is and he’s watching over you all of the time and protecting you.  It makes me sad that he won’t remember the things that they did together, he’s just too young.  There aren’t a lot of pictures of the two of them together either; I wonder if he’ll ask why someday.

I wish that I would have made the trip to Philly, even once, to visit Derek and have him show me around “his” town.  We would have had a great time.  I wish I would have stayed on the phone with him longer the last time we talked.  He was supposed to call me back later that day; I wish he would have.

I wish that Derek hadn’t of had such a hard life, that he didn’t live with such a troubled soul.  There are so many things that I wish for him and none of those wishes will ever come true for him.

When he was clean he had so much to offer the world, I wish he would have been able to do great things but most of all I wish that my Son had been HAPPY every single day.


I longed for the day when Derek would visit me in my dreams so I could hear his voice, his laughter, see that amazing smile and feel one of those awesome hugs that he used to give me.

He has visited me twice, once a couple of weeks ago and it was not a good dream at all.  I’m not sure why I had this dream because it was very painful.  I had gotten to Derek before he died and I was holding him in my arms crying and begging him not to leave me.  But it didn’t work, he said I have to go Mom and the Angels took him to Heaven.  I woke up sobbing.

Maybe this dream was Derek’s way of letting me know that he is in Heaven and he is okay.

Last night he came to me in my dreams but I can’t remember all of it; there was a car that he bought me and we were either running from someone or looking for someone, I can’t be sure.  But he was there, in my dreams and that makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I guess I’m hoping for a sign from Derek, in my dreams, that everything that I’m doing for him is the right thing.  The non-profit, in his name, my involvement in the addiction/recovery community and everything else that I do for him.

I’ve always loved dreams and I’m happy that I’m dreaming again so that I can see Derek.  I miss him so much

Wooden Boxes

Derek was a tree climber and a very good one at that!  He loved learning about trees and how they grew and why they grew a certain way.

Because of this he loved wooden boxes and collected them.  I find myself always looking for wooden boxes when I’m out shopping.  I want to buy them…all of them.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do with all of these wooden boxes but I want them all.

This past weekend I was at TJ Maxx and I found the coolest wooden box and on the top is a huge tree.   Derek would have loved this box.  It’s beautiful and when I bought it I thought it would be a cool memory box for his youngest Son, Christian, but I don’t know that I can part with it.

Christian isn’t going to remember his Daddy so I’m making a memory box for him with pictures and things that were Derek’s and some day I’ll tell him the story of his Dad and how much he loved him.  We talk about him all the time when Christian is over, but that’s all he’s going to have is the stories that we tell him.  Maybe I’ll give him a big wooden box filled with smaller wooden boxes…lol

At Derek’s funeral, I gave his oldest Son, Alexander, one of Derek’s wooden boxes with things of Derek’s in it; he treasures that box because he does remember his Dad.  I know he misses him and it breaks my heart that, at the end, Derek wasn’t the Dad that he wanted to be to his boys.  Alexander does have good memories of his Dad though, he went to Philly for a week and hung out with Derek and Sam and I hope that he never forgets the time that he spend with his Dad.

So, if you ever come across a wooden box, remember my Son….that’s what I do


134 Days

It’s been 134 days since Derek was taken from me and it feels like it was just yesterday.

Most of the time I feel guilty if I laugh or feel happy, because he’s not here to do that and please don’t ask me to come to a party, bbq or any kind of social event because I’m just not ready for that; being around a lot of people makes me very anxious these days.  I have to go to my Aunt’s this weekend to help go through my Grandma’s things and I’m dreading it because there will be a lot of people there and they’re going to ask questions and give their opinions and I know they mean well but I can’t cope with that right now.

Last Friday, as I was getting ready to leave work for the weekend, I looked at a picture of Derek that I have on my desk and I just started crying, for no apparent reason other than I miss him so much.  I cried all the way home and most of the night, he came to me in a dream that night but it wasn’t a good dream and I woke up sobbing.  Saturday was more of the same; I know that I’m isolating but I don’t want to be out in public where I can just burst into tears at any given minute.  I want to be at home so I can cry and talk to my Son and be mad at God.

Because, yes, I am mad at God, for taking my Son; I used to pray to God every night to help Derek see the way, to help him use the tools that he had to get clean and stay that way and to keep him safe.  Instead God took him from me so yea I’m pissed as hell at God.

I just want to stop feeling this way, to stop being anxious & depressed and crying every day but I know that that’s probably not going to happen; you see THIS is my new normal.  Nothing will ever fill this hole in my heart.


“Calm Down Mom”

My 1st Mother’s Day without Derek and it was a doozy!  I am usually pretty good at keeping my grief hidden at work, around friends and family and in public.  I save my grieving for at night and on the weekends when I’m at home.

On Friday, after work, I was on my way to Muskegon to pick up Gavin and Tatum for craft night.  Can I just say that I HATE driving in Muskegon!  Everyone drives so slow for no apparent reason and it drives me crazy because I always drive 10 over the speed limit!  So I’m in a hurry and everyone is driving 25 in a 45 and I’m pissed!  I’m yelling at the people and I said Why the f@#% are we driving so slow!!!  Clear as day I hear Derek’s voice in my head and he said “Calm Down Mom”, that was it but it was him.  I said OK Son.  It was so nice to hear his voice

Saturday, I was at my daughter’s celebrating my grandson’s 11th birthday, I didn’t want to be there but there was no way that I wasn’t going to celebrate his special day with him.  However, it brought back a lot of memories of when Derek was clean and he would have been there celebrating too.  He would have been running around the backyard with his niece and nephews and they would have been squealing and laughing, they loved playing with their Uncle Derek.  For awhile I just sat at the bonfire, remembering and crying silently.

Sunday, Mother’s Day, my Girls came over and brought gifts, very nice gifts that I love, but I was missing my Son so much.  I know that I wasn’t very good company; they would have done anything that I wanted on Mother’s Day but I just wanted to be alone, so they left.  I spent the day remembering my beautiful Son and I cried and cried all day.

The grieving process is so painful but I know that if I need a day to remember Derek and cry I need to take that day, it’s all part of the process.

I don’t want to do this but I wasn’t given a choice

When Derek died I was in shock for weeks, I was numb and in a fog.  Sometimes I think that that’s where I am still.

I think about Derek every second of every day and the tears come way to easily.  When I think about his last days it makes me so sad because he was struggling so much and in so much pain, emotionally.  I wished that I could take it all away from him but I knew that I couldn’t, only he could do that.

I write letters to him and the pages are tear stained, I tell him how much I love him and I pray that he knew that when he was alive.  I tell him how his boys are and how I will make sure that they know how much he loved them.

It’s not natural for a Mother to bury a child and there are times when I am angry with God that he took my beautiful Son from me!  Why couldn’t he have just given him another chance to get it right?  He wanted to so badly, he wanted to be an awesome Dad to his boys, he wanted to marry Sam and have a family with her.  He wanted it all but the drugs wouldn’t allow him to reach those goals.

I take meds so that I can sleep, otherwise I would be awake all night thinking about him and missing him, I take meds to keep the anxiety at bay; they don’t always help, I take meds for the depression that I suffer from, that is so much worse than it was before.

This is my new normal and I’m told that this is all part of the grieving process and it will last as long as it lasts. And although I didn’t chose this I know that I have to allow myself to go through this process so that I will be here for my daughters and my grandkids.

The Stages of Grief

They say there are 5 stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.  I found another article that says there are 7 stages of grief:  shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reflection & loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction & working through & finally acceptance & hope.

I’ve had people in my life die; my ex-husband, my Mom, my Dad, my Grandma and I knew of the stages of grief but I don’t think I ever really grieved for any of them.  Or maybe I didn’t recognize that what I was feeling was grief.

But when Derek died, I knew that I had to allow myself to grieve or I would be in big trouble later in life.

One thing that I have learned about grief in the last 115 days is that these stages aren’t in any kind of chronological order.  Also, once you go through one of the stages that doesn’t mean that you are done with that stage and you just move onto the next one.  You can go through stages many times; they just hit you.

I go to grief counseling, my Doctor talks to me about grief and has put me on many medications to help me cope with daily life.  I have learned that anxiety is a part of grief, I never knew that.

If there is any advice that I could give you when dealing with the loss of a child it would be this:

Let yourself grieve!  Give yourself all of the time that you need!  Cry when you need to, don’t keep it in.  Something that has helped me is to write letters to Derek, maybe this would help you too.  Find a grief group, go to grief counseling, talk to your Doctor, talk to your Pastor, you need to talk about it!

Sending you love & light


Derek’s Story

My Son was born, Derek Alexander Kardos on November 26, 1985 at 8:15 am, he was my 2nd child and would end up being my middle child and my only Son.  He was a beautiful baby with blonde hair and blue eyes, just like his Sister.  As a baby he was always smiling and laughing and such a joy to his family.

Derek was always a free spirit and did things his way and it wasn’t until he was 5 that I started having problems with him.  He was very defiant and would be downright mean sometimes, I didn’t know what I was doing wrong with this sweet, little boy.  At 8 years old, he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and the Doctor put him on Ritalin, it took months for them to get the dose right but Derek wasn’t the same happy little boy.  Yes, he was able to focus on his school work but it was almost like he was depressed, he wasn’t the same.  After a couple of years Derek decided that he didn’t want to take the meds anymore because he didn’t like the way they made him feel.

Derek loved sports as a little boy and played them all; t-ball, soccer, rocket football, baseball, hockey, basketball.  He played them all and was very athletic and did well in everything that he did, and he was smart!  Derek was so smart and could have gotten straight A’s if he wasn’t so distracted in school, he was bored and in his boredom would be very disruptive in class.  In the 6th grade he was kicked out of school 43 times.  I did everything that I knew how to do, I took parenting classes, read books, put him in therapy, whatever I thought would help and nothing helped.

It was in middle school when Derek started self-medicating with alcohol and weed; he would take off on Friday after school and I wouldn’t see him again until sometime on Sunday.  He got into so much trouble, he broke into people’s cars in the apartment complex where we lived, he came home one Sunday morning with his face all bloody and cut and said that he had been hit in the face with a brick, he stole my car in the middle of the night and was pulled over, he pawned all of the things from his bedroom, tv, video game consoles, he even stole my wedding ring from his Dad and pawned that.

At 15 he was expelled from Rogers High School and I sent him to the Alternative School in town; after a few months a truant officer contacted me and said that if I didn’t start making my Son go to school they were going to put me in jail!  I was confused because I dropped Derek off at school every morning; what I didn’t know was that he was walking in the front door and walking out the back door and he would spend the day getting high with friends.  Eventually he was expelled from the Alternative School too.  Age 15 was also the first time that he went to Rehab, he was only there for a week and convinced me that he didn’t belong there, that he wasn’t like the other kids in there.

So here I was with a 16 yr old young man that was hurting so much inside and self-medicating and I didn’t know what to do!  We fought all the time because I didn’t understand and I don’t think that he did either, he wanted to do good and be good he just didn’t know how.  Then, I found the Michigan Youth Challenge Academy (MYCA), this was a 6 month military style school for at risk youth and Derek was definitely at risk.  I was hopeful that this was the answer to my prayers, Derek would be able to get his GED while there and some college credits.  It would be the fresh start that he needed!

Derek did so well at MYCA and became a favorite Cadet of many of his Superiors;  he was scheduled to graduate, with honors, in June/2003 but a week before graduation I received a call from his Master Sergeant, the man was in tears while he told me that Derek wasn’t going to be able to graduate and I needed to come pick him up immediately; seems that another Cadet said some hurtful things to Derek and it made Derek angry, he proceeded to pick up a metal chair and busted it over the kids head.  Of course there was a ZERO tolerance for violence so they had to make Derek leave.  They did, however, tell me to sign Derek up for the next cycle that started 2 weeks later and he would automatically be approved to return.  That’s what we did and Derek went back to MYCA in July 2003.  Again he did very well with straight A’s, did everything that he was supposed to do and became a Platoon Leader.  He was so proud of what he was doing and he was drug and alcohol free while he was there.  On October 1st, 2003 I had to drive to Battle Creek and do one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do; I had to set Derek down and tell him that his Dad had died by suicide the night before.  At first he thought I was joking and he laughed and said yea right Mom.   It was really hard on him when he realized that I wouldn’t joke about something like that; Derek and his Dad never had a great relationship but he always longed for his Dad’s love and approval, now in his mind, he would never get it.

They let Derek come home for his Dad’s funeral and Derek was dressed in his Cadet uniform, he was so handsome.  I had to take him back to school right after the funeral and his time there after that was hard.  Derek graduated, with honors, in December 2003 and he was also leaving for Marine boot camp 2 weeks after graduation; I was so proud of him!  I thought that my beautiful boy was on his way to being happy and having the life that he deserved!

Derek disappeared the night before he was supposed to leave for his Marine basic training and there were a lot of phone calls between myself and the recruiter the next day.  I finally found out that Derek had gone out and gotten high the night before so he was discharged for drugs before he ever even went.

Once Derek turned 18 I just couldn’t allow him to live with me anymore; there was too much chaos, fighting and arguing and I refused to live that way any longer.  He bounced from house to house staying with friends and whoever would let him stay with them.  I think that it was around this time that Derek graduated from drinking and smoking week to cocaine and a lot of the drugs, ecstasy, pills and who knows what.  I don’t think I want to know.

He was in and out of jail, went through a ton of jobs that never worked out for one reason or another.  He was in so much pain and I used to beg him to go to therapy and be diagnosed correctly; I always felt like it was more than ADHD and ODD.  I always wondered if he was bipolar; he would pace around for hours and he would either be very happy or very depressed and sometimes suicidal.  He would never go, said that he couldn’t afford it.

Derek was always invited to family things, birthday parties, bbqs, holidays and just Sunday dinner; if he did show up he was always late, sometimes high, wearing dirty clothes and not showered and he never brought anything to contribute to whatever meal we were having, he never had money.

Those years were difficult but it wasn’t all bad, when Derek decided that he wanted to be clean and have a better life he was so much fun to be around!  He made us laugh, he was kind and generous and had such unconditional love for his family.  He was smart and had Hollywood good looks which caused him a lot of problems with women.  He would go from one girl to the next without a care in the world, I really didn’t think anything of it because he was young and single and was dating, and that’s what he was supposed to do.

In 2012 Derek had his first child, a Son, he loved Alexander so much and we all thought that this is what was going to convince Derek that he had to do better for his Son.  Unfortunately, it didn’t and before Xander was a year old Derek was introduced to crack; that was the beginning of the end.

Crack is a stimulant and it is also a psychological high and there are no physical withdrawals from it; but when Derek was coming down from crack it was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen.  He would cry and say that he didn’t want to live that way and that he just wanted to die.  I hated seeing him like that and I would do everything that I could to help him.  For the next several years he was in and out of rehab, he wouldn’t stay, the longest time he stayed was 9 days.  He always said that he could do it on his own, he couldn’t, and nobody can.

Derek had his own tree business, he was the best tree climber around and had so many happy clients!  He researched and taught himself everything there was to learn about trees; he knew how they grew and if they grew a certain way he would be able to explain to you what was wrong that the tree was growing the way it was.  He was very successful, when he was clean.  When he wasn’t he would sell everything he had to buy crack and wasn’t able to work.

In 2014, I lived in Florida, and I received a call from Xander’s Mom telling me how worried she was about Derek and that he was threatening suicide.  I called Derek and tried talking to him but he was coming off of crack and sobbing and there was no talking to him.  He actually told me that he was mad at me because I didn’t teach him how to be a man;  I told him that I’m not a man so how could I be expected to teach him how to be one.  That was not the right answer, he told me that he was going to kill himself because he couldn’t live like that anymore.  There was nothing that I could do from 1200 miles away so I called the local police department and told them where Derek lived and that he was threatening suicide; they went to his house to check on him, he answered the door and was then arrested because he was fighting with the police.

I begged Derek to go to rehab but he said that he could do it on his own, I asked him if he wanted to come down to Florida and stay with us to get a fresh start.  Surprisingly, he said yes.  We had a lot of fun when Derek got there but I did lay down some rules:  no drinking, no drugs, he had to have a job, he had to go to therapy and he had to go to meetings.  He wasn’t able to follow the rules and after he had been there for a month we got into a huge argument and I told him that he had to leave.  He went back to Michigan and was only there for a month when he was arrested again.  He also had a 2nd child on the way at this time.

Derek got an opportunity to move to Philly and be a climber for a big tree company out there; he moved to Philly without knowing anyone there but he thought it was best for him and his children so he could get away from the influences that were in Grand Rapids.  He was going to make a life for himself out there and start building a relationship with his Sons.

A few months after Derek got there, Derek met a woman on a dating site, he went on a date with her and I’m pretty sure that it was love at first site for both of them.  Sam was the best thing that ever happened to Derek and he loved her with his entire heart.  We were all so happy for him because he was happier than he had been in a long time, he had a good job and a woman that loved him unconditionally and he loved her the same.

Things were going well, until they weren’t, in the beginning of 2015 Sam found out that Derek was smoking crack again.  This was the first time that she had ever dealt with addiction and wasn’t liking it.  She was able to get Derek a scholarship for a private pay rehab facility in Bensalem, PA and Derek agreed to go!  He was there for 28 days and decided that he had the tools that he needed to begin his recovery journey and he was excited about it.

He went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked his steps; he was doing great!  He started talking to me again and we had some wonderful conversations, I was living in Kentucky at the time.  After about 6 months into his recovery he started getting antsy to move back to Grand Rapids because he wanted to see his boys on a regular basis and have a part in raising them.  We were all worried that it was too soon and he hadn’t been in recovery long enough and he was a little concerned too but in November of 2015 he moved back to Grand Rapids.  He was doing what work he could, staying with his Sister and spending time with his kids.  He had 7 months clean when he moved back to Grand Rapids but he stopped going to meetings, didn’t have a sponsor and thought that it was ok to hang out with his old friends again.  He relapsed at the end of January 2016.

I think he was just smoking crack on the weekends and still working during the week but in May 2016 I was getting phone calls from friends and family telling me how worried they were about him.  I called him and I was crying telling him that I didn’t want to bury my Son and he told me not to worry because he was going to be ok.  He had quit before and he would quit again.

I moved back to Michigan in June of 2016 and Derek was really far into his addiction, he was still working when he needed money for drugs, he had his own place to live and was still functioning in his life.  That didn’t last long, Derek sank very deep into his addiction very quickly and he also started doing heroin to come down from the crack.  He sold his dirt bike, traded his car for crack, traded several cell phones for crack and soon started selling his tree equipment and furniture out of his house.  He didn’t have many days of clarity for the entire summer of 2016.  Derek would call me at all hours of the day and night for rides and I would go pick him up and take him home, I picked him up from his dealer’s house, from seed motels, you name it wherever he was I was there picking him up, he would call me after a 3 day binge and say Mom I’m hungry, I haven’t eaten in 3 days and I would go pick him up and buy him something to eat, I would buy him cigarettes all the time.  At the time I thought that I was helping my Son, I didn’t know that I was enabling him but I was.

In September 2016 he was evicted from his home, he hadn’t paid rent in a couple of months and his landlord actually walked in on him when he was getting high.  He had nowhere to go, no job and I thought finally he has to get help now!  But no, his dealer let him stay with him!

Derek knew that he needed to get out of Grand Rapids if he was ever going to get clean again but every time he had any money it went for drugs.  We didn’t talk a lot while he was using but every couple of days I would get a text that said “I’m alive”, at least I knew that he wasn’t dead.

Finally, in November of 2016 Derek made it back to Philly; he moved back in with Sam and went to work for someone else, started going to meetings and was on his way or so we thought.  Derek relapsed shortly after getting back to Philly so Sam told him that he couldn’t live with her anymore; he found a room at a sober living house and moved right in.  Derek did well at the sober living house, went to Church every Sunday, meetings a couple of times a day and really started working his steps.  It was during this time that Derek and I really started building a good relationship, a relationship that I had always wanted with him.  He would call me every day and tell me about his struggles, his accomplishments and I just listened!  For the first time in Derek’s life I listened, I didn’t tell him what he should be doing or how he should be doing it; I believe that is the reason why we were able to build this awesome relationship.  No more were the lectures from his Mom about how doing drugs wasn’t the answer; Derek knew that, he didn’t want to use, he didn’t want to live that life.  He said to me once, “Mom people think that I’m just having the time of my life, partying and living it up, that’s not how it is.”  He said, “I hate this life and that when I get that idea in my head that I want to smoke crack it will NOT go away until I smoke crack”.  During this time he also told me why he relapsed so many times, when he was clean he had so much shame and guilt for the things that he did to people while he was using.  He couldn’t live with those feelings so he would use so that he didn’t have to feel them.  It broke my heart that Derek felt that way about himself; I didn’t see him as a bad person, he was an amazing Man and I knew that when he was using that wasn’t my Son at all.  I tried to tell him that but I don’t think he believed me.

In September 2017 Derek took a crew to Florida to do hurricane clean-up,  his dream was that he was going to make enough money to catch up on his child support, pay his guys and have enough money left over to get through the Winter when there wasn’t a lot of tree work.  He relapsed while down there, got arrested in North Carolina on his way home and it was all downhill from there.

He thought that he was hiding the fact that he was using but I knew that something was up, he wouldn’t return phone calls or texts and he wasn’t really working.  At the beginning of December he finally told me that he was using again.  I begged him to go to rehab and he said no, I know what I need to do to get clean and stay clean and I’ll do it on my own, I don’t need rehab.

It was bad, he sold his chainsaws and a lot of his climbing gear so if he would have gotten a job he had no way to do it.  He was getting high in the Lady’s house that he rented a room from and bringing other people into her home to get high.  I continued to ask him to go to rehab and he continued to tell me no.  He was going to meetings but he was either going high or he would go first thing in the morning and then spend the rest of the day getting high.

His friends in recovery took him to detox on December 26, 2017 and dropped him off; to my relief he stayed!  He was getting meds there, therapy, both one on one and group and I could hear my Son in his voice; he was coming back!  He stayed for a week and got out on January 2, 2018, his plan was to go to a sober living house again and he had one that had a bed available; when he got there he had a hot drug test so they wouldn’t let him stay.  He was homeless.

For 6 days he slept in his truck and slept at Sam’s sometimes, at first he was calling me every day and I talked to him on Saturday, January 6th, we talked about what he wanted to do and he told me “Mom I have to get out of here, I can’t keep doing this to Sam.  I love her and I’m going to marry her someday but I have to get my shit together first.”  He was trying to figure out how he could get back to Michigan again.

That would be the last time that I spoke to my beautiful boy; he died at 2:20 pm on Monday, January 8, 2018 from hypothermia complicated by drug intoxication.  He was all alone when he died and that breaks my heart.  The final toxicology report says that he also had heroin laced with fentanyl in his system.

Yes, Derek was a drug addict but that wasn’t WHO he was; my Son was kind, caring, generous, loving, compassionate and had an amazing work ethic.  He would do anything for his friends and family….that’s the Man that I want people to know and remember, not the addict because that wasn’t him that was the drugs.