Derek’s been gone for 450 days; in some ways that seems like a really long time but in other ways it seems like it just happened.
I mentioned self-care in art therapy last time and how I suck at it but Leara said that it’s not just self-care but people that are grieving need support. I realized that I don’t have that. Support being people in my life that if they came to my house and saw how cluttered it was they would say Hey let me help you with this. I don’t have anyone in my life like that.
I want to be the person that I used to be where I would get up on a Saturday morning, have a cup of coffee and clean my entire house. Unfortunately I’m not that person any more and cleaning my house is on the bottom of my priority list. I’m working on it though I really am. Sometimes I laugh at myself for the things that are small victories to me; on Monday when I got home from work instead of sitting in front of the tv I swept the kitchen floor. Inside I was like Yay I swept the floor today go me!
A few months ago I thought maybe I was ready to start dating so I signed up on an online dating site, created my profile and was hopeful that I would meet a nice guy that I would want to spend time with. I just went on my first date last week and it was an awesome date! For 2 1/2 hours we laughed and talked, there wasn’t any of that awkward silence where you don’t know what to say, it was perfect. I got a kiss goodnight at my car and I was excited for the next date. We texted back and forth for a few days, he called me a couple of times but both times I was in meetings so I couldn’t answer. Then the weekend came and I never heard a word from him until late Sunday afternoon and I haven’t heard from him since. There are so many rules to dating now that I just really don’t know if I want to put myself out there again. I’m not supposed to text him because then I look desperate or crazy or clingy? This makes no sense to me, I am a grown ass woman who knows what she wants and I’m not afraid to let someone know when they are being a jackass. However, him not contacting me for days at a time after such a great night is a red flag and I’m just glad that I saw it now instead of 6 months from now. Again, Yay me! lol
I think of Derek every single day and sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry and both are ok. I smile when I remember him playing with his niece and nephews, running around the backyard chasing them and making them laugh and scream in fun. I smile when I remember the Christmas present that he made for Sam out of a huge piece of wood that was in the shape of a heart. He was proud of that gift and you could tell that he put a lot of love into it. I smile when I remember what a giving heart that he had, he really would have done anything for his friends & family and even strangers. I cry for the future that Derek, or I, will never have, I will never get to see him and Sam get married and have a family of their own. I will never get to see him be happy in recovery or be a successful businessman. I will never get to hug him again or hear his voice or have a deep conversation about his hopes and dreams.
I recently did a podcast where I got to tell Derek’s story and talk about Derek’s Place; I almost didn’t go because I was so nervous. But I did go and I’m glad that I did because Andrea made me feel so comfortable from the moment that she answered the door. So we sat down at her dining room table with this big microphone sitting between us, that microphone was a little intimidating. We chatted for a few minutes and then she said ok we’re recording! She told me that most of her podcasts were between 30-60 minutes and I thought to myself I’ll be lucky if I make the 30 minutes. But I told Derek’s story, what he was like as a little boy, his struggles growing up, when he started self medicating with alcohol and weed just everything about him from my perspective. Then I talked about Derek’s Place and why I was doing this. I talked for an hour and 18 minutes! There were tears and laughter in my podcast and I am very happy that Derek’s story will be heard.
Today, I am ok and I’m thankful for that.
I love you Derek and I still miss the hell outta you.