I had a dream…

790 days…

Derek was in my dream the other night and it was such an awesome dream!  We were in Florida and it was just him and I.  We spent the entire day at the beach, swimming, eating, laughing and having a great time.  It was such a vivid dream, I could feel the sunshine on my body, the breeze on my face and the salt on my skin.  I could hear Derek’s infectious laugh and feel his arm around my shoulder.  Derek and I never had a day like this while he was alive but that dream was just like I was living it.  Today, I feel closer to Derek because of that dream and I can feel his love.  Derek has only come to me in my dreams 3 other times since he died but this was, by far, the best one!

These days, I am happy most of the time.  I’m enjoying working on Derek’s Place on Thursday – Sunday and am getting a lot accomplished!  I’m researching grants and helping with the buildout and I feel so productive at the end of the day.  Because I’m only working part time at my other job it’s going to allow me to schedule meetings with other organizations and talk about DP and where we’re going.  We need to build those relationships with the organizations that we’re going to be using for resources!

I moved into my own place on February 14 and I have been so overwhelmed with the unpacking process.  Usually unpacking is my favorite part about moving, finding the perfect spot for my things and it’s usually organized and looks good.  Not this time, for some reason.  I’m going through everything and getting rid of a lot of things because I’m at a point, in my life, where I don’t want a lot of “stuff” just sitting around.  So now I have piles of things that go to DP and piles of things that I’m getting rid of.  A lot of “piles” in my house and it’s driving me crazy!

I’m usually all unpacked and starting to hang pictures at this point in a move and right now I don’t even have 1 room that is completely finished.  I feel like I’m moving stuff from room to room and I don’t know why this move is so different than all of the other moves that I’ve done and believe me I have moved A LOT in my lifetime!  I feel like if I had one person that helped me for a day that I would be able to have it all done, I just don’t have anyone that will do that.  My oldest beauty is coming over tonight to help me and I’m optimistic that we will get a lot done tonight.

Derk is adjusting to being back home and I’m going to sign us up for some obedience classes.  Boy does he need them!  He barks at everyone and he’s chasing cars!  This needs to stop and I don’t know how to train him to not do these things so we’ll be learning together.  Yes, I have him on a leash when we go outside but that little shit will dart out the door when I’m going out and he immediately runs into the street!  I keep telling him that he’s going to be homeless if he keeps it up, he doesn’t care lol

I just can’t tell you how good it feels to be where I am today, anxiety is at an all time low, I’m not isolating like I was and I’m not feeling depressed or down all of the time.  Of course I am still grieving Derek as I always will it’s just different now and not so dark.

We started our buildout at DP this last Saturday and although all of the guys that were going to help ended up with the flu; Shelly and I got a lot done!  We have 2 walls completely down and only 4 more to go!  If the guys are feeling better this Saturday we’ll be able to get those 4 walls down and then we can start building!

We’ve had some feelings that this was never going happen; we have a really hard time getting volunteers and we know that we can’t do this on our own.  Sometimes we feel like the Universe is working against us but yesterday something wonderful happened for us!  The space that is below is used to be Purple East and we’ve never been in that space so had no idea what was in there.  Yesterday, my grandson, Gavin, wanted to go look down there so we did.  There is this huge counter that has concrete on it, has a ton of drawers and cabinets in it and has electrical in it.  As soon as we saw it we were like oh my gosh this would be perfect for our coffee bar!  So this morning I called the owner of the building and asked him what he was going to do with it, he said if you want it take it!  We are SO happy!  This is going to save us a lot of money and give us the coolest coffee bar!  Now we just have to figure out how to take it apart and move it upstairs lol.

We definitely have had some doubters along this path; some of them have even been on our Board.  Even though I have nothing to prove to any of them, it does feel good to think “look at us now!”  We ARE going to open the doors of Derek’s Place and we ARE going to help the people in our community that are in recovery from SUD and alcoholism, the homeless and the people with other mental health challenges.

And if feels GOOD!  It feels damn good!

 

I love you Derek and I still miss the hell outta you

 

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