It’s Not Easier, It’s Different

772 days

The first thing that other Mommas who have lost their child to addiction ask me is does it get easier?  I have to tell them no, it doesn’t get easier it just gets different.  How could it ever be easy to live without your child?  You learn how to get through life without them, you learn how to get up every day and go to work and go grocery shopping and all of the other mundane things that need to be done.  You do all of this with a broken heart because the alternative is not an option.

These Mommas are the strongest people I have ever known; they smile on the outside while inside they are screaming and broken.  That doesn’t go away it just gets less consuming as time goes on.

That’s where I am today, my grief isn’t as all consuming as it used to be; sometimes I wonder if that’s because I’m not grieving like I should be and I feel like, in a way, I’m betraying Derek and his memory.  Most days, though, I know that I’m grieving just the way that I’m supposed and I know that I am honoring Derek and his life & memory every single day with Derek’s Place.

Some people say that what I’m doing is honorable and inspirational and amazing, all I know is that Derek deserves to be loved and remembered for the wonderful man that he was and Derek’s Place is how I can honor my Son and help other people that are just like him.  The men and women that suffer from the disease of addiction and don’t feel worthy of love, kindness or even happiness.  They are not bad people, they are sick people that need to be given a chance to reach their full potential without drugs or alcohol.

I have met so many amazing people since Derek died, people that are committed to helping those that are like Derek and I wish that he could have met them when he was alive.  He probably did meet some of them he just wasn’t capable of seeing what they had to offer through his addiction.

I moved out of my daughter’s this last weekend and as much as I love my daughter and my grandkids, it’s so nice to have my own place again!  Using my own “stuff” is something that I think I have taken for granted in the past.  Derk is home and I am so happy to have him with me again.  We go for walks every day and I love it just as much as he does.  He’s so funny, yesterday while we were out walking there was a big dog across the street that started barking at him and he stood his ground and just started barking right back lol…I’m like yea Derk you are scaring him.

I’m slowly finding a place for my things while getting rid of things that I really don’t need; every time I move I think why does one person have so much “stuff”?  I’m at a point, in my life, where I don’t want or need a lot of things just sitting around my house so I’m getting rid of a lot.  I’m also at a point, in my life, where I’m sick of moving all of this stuff!  I know that I’ll probably move again because I’ve been thinking that I want to own my own home again but I’m undecided about that.  Still something that I’m thinking about and weighing the pros and cons of being a homeowner.

On January 8, 2018 I never thought I would get to where I am today; never.  I never thought I would laugh again, be happy again, be able to remember Derek and smile and I never thought that I would be able to find joy again.  But I have!  Today I am able to enjoy my grandkids, laugh without guilt and I get so much joy out of doing things for Derek’s Place.  Yes, I still have days where it takes everything in me to get out of bed, I still isolate sometimes and sometimes I burst in to tears for no apparent reason but those days don’t happen often and I am so thankful for that.  For a long time I felt like I was “stuck” and I would never be able to move forward but here I am!

My life, without Derek, isn’t easy but it is different and it will always be.

 

I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you

 

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