These Waves….

706 days

Almost 2 years but today I feel like I did in the weeks after Derek died.

These fucking waves just keep crashing down on me and it feels like they aren’t ever going to stop.

On days like today I just want to be home, by myself, and not have to deal with people but here I am, at work praying I don’t snap at anyone or break down in tears.

I’m trying, I really am.  I’m trying to be happy, to find joy in the things that I have in my life, to be positive, to be a good Mom and a good Grandma…but nothing works.  I don’t want this to be my life, to be my “normal” because, honestly, this really sucks.

I used to love baking for Christmas and this year it took everything I had to bake cookies and muffins for the people at Heartside Park.  I didn’t enjoy any of it, it was more like an obligation and not something that I wanted to do.

Next year I’m going to do something different for the Holidays, maybe I’ll go on vacation so that I’m not here for Christmas.  I wish I could be gone for the entire month of December.

Today is Derk’s 2nd birthday; I wish I could spend it with him.  People are judging me because he’s not with me right now and that pisses me off so much because, frankly, it’s none of their business why he isn’t with me right now.  I miss him every day and if I could have him with me, right now, I would.  I have friends that are fostering him for me and they are taking such good care of him!

I’ve had people tell me that the 2nd year was going to be worse than the 1st and I don’t think that I believed them because I felt like I was doing so good for awhile and then out of nowhere BAM.  I haven’t learned, yet, how to calm myself when I’m so anxious, I’ve tried all of the things that my therapist and other people have told me to do but nothing is working today.

Yesterday I spent 2 hours scrolling through Derek’s Facebook page; just reading his posts, looking at his pictures and watching his videos.  Derek never posted on FB when he was using, only when he was clean and doing well.  I think it’s because he never wanted people to know his struggles because he was so ashamed of his addiction.  I was never ashamed of him, ever; and I always loved him and wanted only the best for him.  In the last 2 years of his life he finally knew that!  He knew that I loved him and that I would be there for him while he was in recovery but that I would not help him die.  We had so many good talks about addiction, feelings, the future, what kind of man he wanted to be, what kind of Dad he wanted to be and anything else that was going on at the time.  I miss those talks so much.

Did we have the perfect relationship?  No far from it but I never gave up on him and I never stopped loving him.  In 17 years Derek said some very mean and hateful things to me and for years I took it personal and it wasn’t until I understood that addiction is a disease that I learned that that wasn’t Derek talking at all but the drugs.

I see the things that parents, of addicts, post about their kids and it breaks my heart.  They already feel bad enough about themselves and they don’t need the people that are supposed to love them calling them names and making them feel worse.  I’m not saying to enable them but always let them know how much you love them, always.  There is absolutely nothing that you can say or do to get them clean, nothing.  You have to get out of their way and let them figure it out for themselves, they are adults and if every time you talk to them you lecture them and tell them what they need to be doing they’re going to stop talking to you.

Addiction is a family disease, it causes chaos, dysfunction, anger, confusion and pain not only for the addict but for everyone that loves them.  My family lived with this for years and we made so many mistakes because we didn’t understand addiction as a disease; but as awful as it was I would go through it all over again if it meant that Derek got to live in the end.

I feel like I’m rambling now but guess what?  Since I’ve been writing this the waves have gotten a lot smaller and the anxiety has almost subsided.  Writing this blog really is healing for me.  Who knew…

I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you


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