When My Grief is Tiny Ripples…

638 days….21 months and 1 day

The 2 year mark is fast approaching and I am finding it so hard to believe that it’s been that long when most of the time it seems like just yesterday.

I still can’t believe that you are gone but I have accepted it and know that your soul is at piece.  That gives me comfort most of time but there are times, when I’m being selfish, that I want you back no matter what that looks like.  I would take all of the chaos and fighting if it meant you didn’t have to die.

I’m doing well these days, I think about Derek every single day but my grief isn’t huge crashing waves; more like tiny ripples.  I’m thankful for that.  I know that I’ll have bad days I just know that I have to go with it and that it won’t last forever.

I’ve had more than one person ask me if maybe I shouldn’t have started Derek’s Place so soon after his death.  That maybe working on that is taking me away from things that I need to do for myself.  I do that, I take on other people’s issues and find projects to do so that I don’t have to look at my own issues.  However true their statements may be Derek’s Place is a thing and I’m not walking away from it.  I just have to find some balance between DP and taking care of myself and allowing myself to grieve for my Son.

Derek’s Place gives me a purpose and it’s the best way that I know to honor Derek’s memory and his life, he would have loved Derek’s Place and what it’s going to mean to people like him.  Good people that dream of a better life, a family and success but think that they aren’t worthy of any of that because of SUD, homelessness or other mental health issues.  We are going to show them love, compassion and understanding so they start to believe that they ARE worthy of everything they dream of.

My new meds are working so good!  I seriously haven’t felt this good since Derek died, I can actually see myself being happy and finding joy in things.  I’m staying at my daughter’s now, temporarily, and I think that’s going to be good for me to be around her and my grandkids.  I can see myself getting out of the house and doing things other than DP events and fundraisers.  As a matter of fact I’m going to one of my daughter’s friend’s houses on Saturday and we’re all having dinner and a bonfire.  I’m actually excited about it!

I have a lot of goals that I want to accomplish while I’m living at my daughter’s house; I want to quit smoking, start exercising, start eating healthier and be debt free, except for my car payment.  I haven’t started any of these things yet but I have only been there for a few days.  My problem is that I look at that list and think that I have to do everything at once and I get overwhelmed so I don’t do anything.  My therapist said that I need to pick one thing and focus on that and move on to the next thing once I have accomplished the first task.  This is a great plan!  I pick quitting smoking as my first task…I pick this because once I quit smoking I will be able to exercise better and smoking is the most detrimental to my physical health, in my opinion.  Plus I’m tired of smelling like smoke and I DON’T want to be out in the cold smoking this winter.

I’ve been trying to quit smoking for 2 years and I can’t figure out why it’s so damn hard this time.  In 2009 I got a prescription for Chantix, smoked while taking it the first week and took the Chantix for 60 days.  I didn’t smoke for 6 years!  It was easy, I didn’t have any of the horrible side effects and I didn’t crave cigarettes.  This time I stopped smoking on Christmas Day 2017 and then started again on January 10, 2018; 2 days after Derek died.  I was so mad at myself but when I went to my Dr she said there’s no way that you can quit smoking right now!  You need that to help you get through your day.  In July of 2018 I decided that I was ready to quit so she gave me more Chantix, I’m still smoking.  Every once in awhile I’ll quit taking the Chantix because it’s stupid to pay for both cigarettes and Chantix and then I’ll say ok I’m ready now and I’ll go get the Chantix but the most time I’ve had, not smoking, is 16 days.

Sometimes I get lonely and sometimes I’m sad that Derek’s not here but I allow myself to feel those feelings and don’t just bury them and try to forget about them.  I think that’s so important and most people don’t realize that.  In the past, when I have lost a loved one, my Mom, my Dad, my Ex, I cried and was sad for about a week and then I just went on with my life.  I thought that’s how it worked but I was wrong.  Of course I get sad when I think about them not being here but I don’t think that I went through all of the stages of grief.

All in all I’m grateful that my grief is just tiny ripples, right now, but when those waves come crashing down I will be ready!!

I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you



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