To Be Honest….

626 days

I’ve been thinking about whether, or not, to write this blog for a few days now.  However, if I’m going to share my grief journey, in the hopes of helping other Mommas out there, then I have no choice but to write this blog.  I have to be completely transparent and share every place that this journey takes me…even the darkest ones.

Last Wednesday, September 18th, I was sitting in my car, at lunchtime, and this overwhelming feeling that I didn’t want to live any more came over me.  I just started crying and felt like I didn’t want to feel this grief anymore, I was tired of isolating, being depressed, being anxious and everything that goes along with grieving for Derek.  I even thought about how I was going to end my life and this scared the Hell outta me!

I contacted Casey and asked her if she would be available to talk after work; she wouldn’t be available until 7:30 or so but I told her that I would be at her house, that I had something important to talk to her about.  Ashley asked if I wanted her there too and I said yes.

When we were all together I just said that I didn’t know how to say this except to just come out and say and and I said “I don’t want to live anymore”.  They were shocked and Casey said so are you telling us that you’re going to leave here and go home and kill yourself? I said no I’m telling you that I don’t want to live and I need help because this is scaring me.

So Casey called Pine Rest and talked to them and told me that they had a bed and would I go?  I reluctantly agreed to go and she took me there.

All I know is that I don’t ever want to go back there again!  By the time I was checked in it was 1 am on Thursday and they gave me some sleeping meds.  I slept ALL day on Thursday; they would come to my room and tell me when there was a group and I would say ok, they would come and tell me when it was time to eat and I would go eat and go back to bed.  I was so exhausted and I was sleeping hard!  Finally after I had dinner I decided that I was not going back to bed so I found a book to read, took a shower and sat in the community room reading.

I did meet with the psychiatrist on Thursday and he changed my meds for me because mine obviously weren’t working anymore and asked me if I had any questions.  I said when do I get to go home?  He said you just got here so we’ll revisit that on Monday.  I said there is no way I’m staying here until Monday!  I have an event that has been being planned for months and it’s on Saturday and I am not going to miss it!  He said so basically what you’re telling me is that you want to be on your new meds for 1 day and have me let you go home?  I said yea pretty much.  He said that wasn’t going to happen, I was pissed!

On Thursday night I was talking to my nurse about it and that I was under the impression that because I checked myself in I could check myself out; she said no that’s not how it works.  I told her about my event and that I wasn’t having any thoughts of taking my life, I hadn’t had any bouts of anxiety since I’ve been there (probably because I slept all day) and she said that she was going to put in the notes that I should be allowed to go home on Friday.

I was in group on Friday morning and the nurse came in to get me to see the psychiatrist and when I walked in he said how are you today?  I said I’m ready to go home!  He said that’s what I hear.  We talked about my new meds, he asked me how I was feeling and I said great.  He said ok, this has never happened in my lifetime but I’m going to let you go home today.  I wanted to hug him.

Ashley got there to pick me up around 1 pm on Friday and I was free!

My new meds are working great, I am moving back in with Casey and I feel better than I have in a very long time.  I know that this is part of my grief journey but I don’t ever want to have those feelings again; it really scared me.

My friends, Wendy & Johan, are fostering Derk for me for awhile and he is loving it over there!  I’m going to go see him on Sunday, I miss him more than I thought I would!  It’s not that I don’t love him because I have realized, in the last week, that I really do but I was in such a dark place for so long that he couldn’t even take care of him the way he needed to be taken care of and when he would try to make me happy it just irritated me.

I have learned that it’s ok for me to grieve for Derek but I don’t have to wallow in it, I’m not betraying him by being happy or taking care of me and I also know that he’s probably really pissed at me for staying in that dark place for so long.  I know that there are going to be dark days in my future but they should just be days not months.

My therapist says that I’m being way too hard on myself and that maybe that’s where I am in my journey right now and that’s ok; she says Theresa Derek didn’t even die 2 years ago!  That’s not a long time.  I understand that and I know that there is no time limit on grief and everyone grieves differently but I really am tired of living the way that I was.  I want to be around people and make healthy choices for myself.

So I’m ok, now, but I wasn’t for a really long time.  I will always love and miss Derek so much but I’ve said it before, and I believe it, Derek wouldn’t want me living the way I was.  I wasn’t actually living, just existing and going through the motions.  I don’t want to do that anymore and right now I feel like I can move forward a little bit.

Just promise yourself that if you EVER have the feeling that you don’t want to live anymore, you will reach out for help!  There are a lot of people in my life that love me and I’m sure that you have people in your life that love you too and they would be devastated if you weren’t on this Earth any more.

Love you Always Derek




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