My life is so different since Derek died; there are so many things that I don’t do any more.
I don’t make cool things from Pinterest anymore
I don’t do things with friends anymore
I don’t answer my phone anymore
I don’t read anymore
I don’t journal anymore
I don’t spend much time with my family anymore
I don’t leave my house much anymore
I don’t keep my house clean anymore
I lost interest in making things so I got rid of all of my project pieces, doing things with friends means that I have to leave my house.
I talked to my therapist about some of these things that used to bring me joy but now I don’t do. She keeps saying “Theresa, you are grieving for your Son, it hasn’t even been 2 years since he left you”. She thinks that I don’t answer my phone because on January 8, 2018, I answered my phone, when the Dr called, and she told me that she was so sorry but they weren’t able to save my Son. When I asked her why I have 8 books that I’ve started to read and haven’t been able to finish one of them she said because I’m not ready for the end.
It’s not that I don’t love my family and want to spend time with them, because I love my daughters and my grandkids so much, but being with them is a constant reminder that Derek is missing and he won’t be at any more family things. When I do go to family things I feel like an outsider, like I don’t belong there. It’s a reminder that we will never get to spend life with Derek as a recovering addict; because when he was clean he was the most awesome person. He would make us laugh so much, he would never judge and he loved playing with his boys and his niece and nephews.
My therapist is helping me to get out of my house more, it’s hard though because I have social anxiety now and don’t like to be around a lot of people. However, if it’s something that has to do with Derek’s Place I will go anywhere for that. Otherwise I have no problem staying in my house all weekend, watching tv and sleeping.
I used to love getting up on Saturday morning, getting a cup of coffee, turning some music on and cleaning my entire house. Now it’s just too overwhelming for me and apparently it’s all because I’m grieving.
It’s tragic how grief affects people physically, mentally and emotionally; I never knew. I had someone tell me, last year, that I was using grief as an excuse for not doing something. I said, ok you pick which child of yours that you want to die and then you tell me that it’s an excuse. I don’t want to be like this and if I knew how to change it I most certainly would! But I have to let myself grieve and I have to let it take as long as it’s going to take or I’m not going to be any good for anyone at Derek’s Place.
Derek’s Place gives me purpose and it brings me joy and it gets me out of my house and it allows me to help people like Derek. Addicts that are struggling to get clean or stay clean; they need to know that they are worthy and that they absolutely are loved and deserve to have a wonderful, drug free life. That they are capable of being happy, holding down a job, having a family to love and being loved. This is my vision for Derek’s Place and I will not stop until my vision is seen.
So if you ask me to do something and I say no or you call me and I don’t answer my phone….please forgive me because I am honestly just grieving.
I love you Derek and I miss the hell outta you