483 days

After 16 months I think I’ve finally found a therapist that I’m going to like and that will actually help me!  I’ll meet her next week but she specializes in anxiety, depression and grief and those are all of the things that I suffer with on a daily basis.

I thought that I would be okay with just going to Art Therapy once a month but that isn’t the case.  The last few weeks I have been a hot mess; crying, not doing anything except going to work, not doing anything at home.  I hate it and I think that grief therapy is the only thing that’s going to help me.

I just want to have some semblance of normalcy in my life, whatever normal is for me now.  I don’t know what that is yet but there has to be some way to live my life that’s better than what I’ve been doing.

I know what I need to do but I just don’t have the ambition or motivation to get even the simplest of things done.  I had 4 dirty bowls that sat in my sink for 3 weeks and I just couldn’t bring myself to wash them.  Finally, one Saturday night at 10:30 pm I was like get your ass out there and wash those bowls, it will take 5 minutes; so I did.  Afterwards I felt so accomplished for washing 4 stupid bowls.

I’m so disappointed in myself for the things that I can’t do and I’m hoping that therapy will help me with that too.  I know that they can only give me the tools that I need and then it’s up to me to use them.  For the past 16 months I haven’t been able to use any tools that have been given to me.  I want that to change so bad, I want to keep my house clean, I want to go out and do things with friends, I want to enjoy my job again, I want to enjoy my grandkids and hanging out with them.

I am starting to meet with new people for Derek’s Place, applying for grants, asking for funding, I enjoy these things because it’s bringing us closer to being able to open Derek’s Place.  Recovery Cafe in Seattle is helping us to be able to get there too.  I’m so excited for this journey of helping people like Derek and I’m sure that he would have loved this place.

Derek’s Place is the only good thing in my life right now.  I want everything in my life to be good but can it ever be?  Is this what my life without Derek is supposed to be?  I don’t think Derek would want my life to be like this, he always wanted me to be happy, he also wanted me to meet a nice guy, that was good to me, and have a normal relationship.  I don’t know that having that kind of relationship is in the cards for me and right now I’m ok with that.  It seems that the guys I meet, no matter their age, just want to play games and not be with just one woman.  I don’t need another man like that in my life.

Our Board is growing with some great people from the community and that makes me happy!  It’s important to have a strong board with people that are passionate about helping addicts and that’s what we’re getting.

So I’m happy when I’m talking about or doing something for Derek’s Place but the rest of my life is a mess and I just want to find some kind of balance in my life.  I’m really hoping therapy helps me with that.

I just hope that Derek knows that I do all of this for him, I love him and miss him so much and I want to honor him in a way that he deserves.

Derek the world is a little darker without you in it and I miss the hell outta you

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